Thursday, July 12, 2012

So I'm gonna give a little background here.

I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. The economy sucks. President Obama is fighting Mitt Romney for the next presidency, and personally like always - I don't like either of them for several reasons. But if I had to vote - I'd choose Obama because I disagree with this prohibition on marijuana. I don't think the prohibition on alcohol did any good - and Mr. Romney plans on making it entirely illegal - including the medicinal states. Personally - I just don't understand. Without going into too much detail - I'm just saying we could tax the hell out of it, get it off the black markets, prescribe it to those who actually need it, save thousands of dollars and make millions of dollars, get the right people out of jail and on the right path in a solid life direction, and just keep the jails with our murderers, con-artists, child molesters, etc.

Seriously, am I the only one who doesn't think this is all that complicated? I'm not even into politics. That's crazy, heh.

Okay so aside from Presidents, the economy sucks. I graduated college at the University of Cincinnati in December and I spent six months looking for a job. I'm an equality/all-loving-Christian too. I'd really hoped God would push me into a path that would allow me to grow and help others grow in the process. Right now, instead - I'm working in a restaurant with no chances of helping any sort of improvement. The worst part is - there are a million things I could do - but they don't respect my education or experience in restaurants to give me any acknowledgement in what information I have to offer.

So I'm learning patience... And tolerance... And acceptance... Great. Some awesome life lessons for a girl whose already felt humbled her whole life and continues to strive for more. I want to be a good person and help others achieve successful and happy lives! Why is it so hard to find a place in the world? I get that there are a million sales positions, and trust me I do believe I can sell - but that's not a world I believe I belong in...

I didn't get accepted into the program for Americorps that I wanted. I don't get it. I wanted to help advise students go to college and make something with their lives. I believe in a future for everyone, and the potential good of the world and change... Mind you - this is a VOLUNTEER POSITION. Yes, I'd get stipend checks, something to live on, to pay the bills, but I'd be doing good and working hard! But why they didn't see that in me is beyond me. It hurts sometimes thinking I have so much love to give, and yet I can't find a place to give it. Even the boy I've loved for almost ten years is a little closed off and I'm learning to respect that, but where again - do I place all this love? I have to wait one day for children (to afford them/marriage to someone - hopefully boyfriend/he'd have to be mentally ready).... Sounds like it's never going to happen!

I'm learning okay. I understand I can't plan everything. I acknowledge that I can't control everything. I know that I must learn to wait my turn for things or they wont be worth what I imagined them to be. But still, I'm 24 years old, and I'm constantly watching girls all over facebook have children who are younger than me. So what, they're dealing with things I don't have to deal with, but at least their lives are full of something. Me, I'm not sure what to look forward to. I can't seem to put all my attention on one thing because most of the time I feel a little worried I've got nothing.

But that's totally not true.

I have a family that's working harder on communication. Sorta. I have a new nephew and niece on the way. I have a boyfriend who is trying to find his career. I have two other roommates who care about me. I have a home and a bed to sleep in. I have a job that helps me keep up with living expenses... I'm not a total loss. I just wish I could find a better job. I want to make more money. I want to be able to go out and do something if I want to. I want to be a busier person. I want to feel respected and I especially want to be at peace with myself knowing what I do is good for others.

I wanted to try and become a food critic, but without money that's not going to work. I wanted to get my book published, but there are so many obstacles in the way that it continues to get pushed off. I'm trying to work on relationships with friends and family members as well as finding fun to keep my moral up that I don't seem to be able to make the time to write. I'm working out more and eating healthier. I'm trying to work whenever I can to catch up on bills. I'm trying to hold my emotions together and be a more supporting girlfriend for the boy I love who has been very stressed. It's definitely unfair for me to get mad at him for an attitude I love. He's just so good at forgetting why life sucks sometimes, I'm almost jealous. It's easier for him to let go of the things that stress us out, and I'm that nagging reminder in his life - and I've just spent too much time being that.

Apart of me believes knows that he loves me. Its hard when you've created damage in a situation without realizing it. It's hard to take credit for something you thought you were actually doing right. The truth is, I had good intentions, I was trying to get everything caught up and rid us of our problems, but I was hurting our relationship in the process. Balancing problems and love can be extremely difficult! I'm learning this the hard way of course - because it wouldn't be a lesson if I didn't choose the most ridiculous path! Hah.

Wish me luck journal. I'm working at this peace thing within myself. I'm going to try and just be myself more often. Forget the bills, the relationships with others, the career, life, EVERYTHING. I need to learn to be me or I'll never accomplish anything. I've got it in me, I know who I am, I just need to stop being afraid to be it.

And I will get over it.

Because we all know that life isn't going to change it for us. It's all up to us. :)

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Hello again journal.

So I'm starting to think life doesn't want me to fully understand the way it works.. Even still, I feel restless striving to understand what it is I need to be doing. I get that there may be things I'm not allowed to understand or comprehend, but I just want to find peace.

I long for a better life sometimes. The worst part is that I don't really know what's better. And the truth is I actually like who I am and the people that are in my life.. But it's really difficult to explain the struggle and sadness I experience entirely too much on a daily basis.

I've gotten a hell of a lot better. For some reason graduating and not finding a job set me back after all that work, but I'm pulling myself back together once again and reclaiming the strength I carried not too long ago--the strength I've always buried deep inside me.

It really makes me question whether or not I'd stash such a valuable trait or asset accidentally or purposefully. I mean, I can't really think of any reason I'd do it on purpose, but it still doesn't explain why I'd subconsciously hide something so useful and good for me.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

I'm starting to hate the restaurant I work in. It's family-owned by Albanians running an Italian restaurant claiming to be Italian. They yell at those of us who are not apart of their family and have extreme favoritism to them as well.

Today I was yelled at for talking to another server (I'm a server as well) who is the cousin of the main family. He was sitting in a booth with some other family members, and I was told that I belonged in the kitchen, and he was allowed to do what he wanted because he was family.

I don't even know what to do with that knowledge. I sucked it up and told him he could run his restaurant however he wanted... And if I didn't need the money for bills so bad I would have walked out and never looked back either. It seems like they don't like other people in their restaurant. They're proud and they don't like advice or comments. I have spent over eight years in restaurants- all kinds too. From family-owned to corporate as well as five stars too. I also have a bachelors degree, having graduated from college studying in my Capstone how to improve reputations of the companies and develop concrete representations of what they stand for - among many other things.

I say this because I feel that I have a lot to offer. I can think of a million things to help improve what they've already got, but they wave me on as though I'm a five year old child who doesn't have a clue in the world. I'm frustrated because they don't yell at their own employees for the same things they yell at us for, and if they can, they'll give us their work to free them as much as they can.

We are expendable. We don't matter to them. To them their family will always be there and I suppose that's all that matters.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

12:45 AM - Just sat down at the computer after dinner, which was also after working at Giovanni's til 10:30.

So I'm starting to think life doesn't want me to fully understand the way it works.. Even still, I feel restless striving to understand what it is I need to be doing. I get that there may be things I'm not allowed to understand or comprehend, but all I really want is just to find a little peace.

I long for a better life sometimes. The worst part is that I don't really know what's better. And the truth is I actually like who I am and the people that are in my life.. But it's really difficult to explain the struggle and sadness I experience entirely too much on a daily basis.

I've gotten a hell of a lot better though. For some reason graduating and not finding a job set me back after all that work, but I'm pulling myself back together once again and reclaiming the strength I carried not too long ago--the strength I've always buried deep inside me.

It really makes me question whether or not I'd stash such a valuable trait or asset accidentally or purposefully. I mean, I can't really think of any reason I'd do it on purpose, but it still doesn't explain why I'd subconsciously hide something so useful and good for me either.

I've lost a lot of steam writing. I've been avoiding admitting to myself that the truth is I can't afford to become a food critic just yet... Why? Because I can't afford to spend money going out to eat... So I can't practice writing a food review either... I CAN still continue working on my story - AND I have a good idea I want to throw into my plot, twisting the emotions of the readers even more than I already do. :)

But I am giving up cigarettes to go on a vacation. With my math at 35$ a week for smokes - replacing the money used for smokes with going to a jar labeled "Flo-Rida" - I should have plenty over 200$ to go on this trip. (I already have a place to stay, so it's just food, gas, and everything else I need to be prepared for.) I'm truly excited for this opportunity because I just didn't think I'd get the opportunity to go to the beach this summer, nor did I have a clue how I'd push myself with enough motivation to drop the bad habit once and for all. Personally, I'm going to make lists of things I want to spend my old cigarette money on for when I return from my vacation. :D

My work currently sucks though. I'm making decent money but I'm worried about them allowing me to go on this vacation or whether they'll either have to fire me or I'll have to quit in order to go... But I've got opportunities right now either way STILL! I am going to apply for a marketing position at Krogers for 14$ an hour while also getting advice (or a referral *crosses fingers*) from a friend of my dad's who works at P&G, who honestly, right now, could most likely make all my dreams come true... Well, almost all of them.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not a money hungry crazy person. I'm just in debt. Simple debt that has restricted me from so many things - things that almost simulate the feelings of being trapped in a life that continues to push me in a degrading and under appreciated position.

I want to be more important to people. I want my family to rely on me more to be financially stable and just as capable as they are. I want to be able to keep up with my friends and go out without a disturbingly low budget. I want to lose the stress and anxiety of living in a house that has a hard time paying rent to my land lord parents. It's no one's fault the economy sucks, nor is it that my parents are anal retentive debt collectors... Oh well. At least they're kind enough to work with most of the time.

I want my boyfriend to pay more alone attention to me. He has been a little now that we've talked about it, but we're still broke, and I don't expect him to afford anything special for me right now. It's not about the money, I'd like to clarify once again. It's about the romance and the love, bonding with one another and laughing about silly things. I want him to love me for who I am, not run away because of my anxieties and lack of coping skills. It's not like I'm not strong. I'm awesome and strong. It's just that if your sibling poked your arm repeatedly enough you'll get a bruise and possibly irritable over it. You just want the poking to stop so you can have a chance to heal and move on. But the poking doesn't stop, and although you never bleed or the bruise never gets out control - you still just want it to all go away for goodness sakes!