Saturday, July 7, 2012

12:45 AM - Just sat down at the computer after dinner, which was also after working at Giovanni's til 10:30.

So I'm starting to think life doesn't want me to fully understand the way it works.. Even still, I feel restless striving to understand what it is I need to be doing. I get that there may be things I'm not allowed to understand or comprehend, but all I really want is just to find a little peace.

I long for a better life sometimes. The worst part is that I don't really know what's better. And the truth is I actually like who I am and the people that are in my life.. But it's really difficult to explain the struggle and sadness I experience entirely too much on a daily basis.

I've gotten a hell of a lot better though. For some reason graduating and not finding a job set me back after all that work, but I'm pulling myself back together once again and reclaiming the strength I carried not too long ago--the strength I've always buried deep inside me.

It really makes me question whether or not I'd stash such a valuable trait or asset accidentally or purposefully. I mean, I can't really think of any reason I'd do it on purpose, but it still doesn't explain why I'd subconsciously hide something so useful and good for me either.

I've lost a lot of steam writing. I've been avoiding admitting to myself that the truth is I can't afford to become a food critic just yet... Why? Because I can't afford to spend money going out to eat... So I can't practice writing a food review either... I CAN still continue working on my story - AND I have a good idea I want to throw into my plot, twisting the emotions of the readers even more than I already do. :)

But I am giving up cigarettes to go on a vacation. With my math at 35$ a week for smokes - replacing the money used for smokes with going to a jar labeled "Flo-Rida" - I should have plenty over 200$ to go on this trip. (I already have a place to stay, so it's just food, gas, and everything else I need to be prepared for.) I'm truly excited for this opportunity because I just didn't think I'd get the opportunity to go to the beach this summer, nor did I have a clue how I'd push myself with enough motivation to drop the bad habit once and for all. Personally, I'm going to make lists of things I want to spend my old cigarette money on for when I return from my vacation. :D

My work currently sucks though. I'm making decent money but I'm worried about them allowing me to go on this vacation or whether they'll either have to fire me or I'll have to quit in order to go... But I've got opportunities right now either way STILL! I am going to apply for a marketing position at Krogers for 14$ an hour while also getting advice (or a referral *crosses fingers*) from a friend of my dad's who works at P&G, who honestly, right now, could most likely make all my dreams come true... Well, almost all of them.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not a money hungry crazy person. I'm just in debt. Simple debt that has restricted me from so many things - things that almost simulate the feelings of being trapped in a life that continues to push me in a degrading and under appreciated position.

I want to be more important to people. I want my family to rely on me more to be financially stable and just as capable as they are. I want to be able to keep up with my friends and go out without a disturbingly low budget. I want to lose the stress and anxiety of living in a house that has a hard time paying rent to my land lord parents. It's no one's fault the economy sucks, nor is it that my parents are anal retentive debt collectors... Oh well. At least they're kind enough to work with most of the time.

I want my boyfriend to pay more alone attention to me. He has been a little now that we've talked about it, but we're still broke, and I don't expect him to afford anything special for me right now. It's not about the money, I'd like to clarify once again. It's about the romance and the love, bonding with one another and laughing about silly things. I want him to love me for who I am, not run away because of my anxieties and lack of coping skills. It's not like I'm not strong. I'm awesome and strong. It's just that if your sibling poked your arm repeatedly enough you'll get a bruise and possibly irritable over it. You just want the poking to stop so you can have a chance to heal and move on. But the poking doesn't stop, and although you never bleed or the bruise never gets out control - you still just want it to all go away for goodness sakes!