Thursday, July 12, 2012

So I'm gonna give a little background here.

I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. The economy sucks. President Obama is fighting Mitt Romney for the next presidency, and personally like always - I don't like either of them for several reasons. But if I had to vote - I'd choose Obama because I disagree with this prohibition on marijuana. I don't think the prohibition on alcohol did any good - and Mr. Romney plans on making it entirely illegal - including the medicinal states. Personally - I just don't understand. Without going into too much detail - I'm just saying we could tax the hell out of it, get it off the black markets, prescribe it to those who actually need it, save thousands of dollars and make millions of dollars, get the right people out of jail and on the right path in a solid life direction, and just keep the jails with our murderers, con-artists, child molesters, etc.

Seriously, am I the only one who doesn't think this is all that complicated? I'm not even into politics. That's crazy, heh.

Okay so aside from Presidents, the economy sucks. I graduated college at the University of Cincinnati in December and I spent six months looking for a job. I'm an equality/all-loving-Christian too. I'd really hoped God would push me into a path that would allow me to grow and help others grow in the process. Right now, instead - I'm working in a restaurant with no chances of helping any sort of improvement. The worst part is - there are a million things I could do - but they don't respect my education or experience in restaurants to give me any acknowledgement in what information I have to offer.

So I'm learning patience... And tolerance... And acceptance... Great. Some awesome life lessons for a girl whose already felt humbled her whole life and continues to strive for more. I want to be a good person and help others achieve successful and happy lives! Why is it so hard to find a place in the world? I get that there are a million sales positions, and trust me I do believe I can sell - but that's not a world I believe I belong in...

I didn't get accepted into the program for Americorps that I wanted. I don't get it. I wanted to help advise students go to college and make something with their lives. I believe in a future for everyone, and the potential good of the world and change... Mind you - this is a VOLUNTEER POSITION. Yes, I'd get stipend checks, something to live on, to pay the bills, but I'd be doing good and working hard! But why they didn't see that in me is beyond me. It hurts sometimes thinking I have so much love to give, and yet I can't find a place to give it. Even the boy I've loved for almost ten years is a little closed off and I'm learning to respect that, but where again - do I place all this love? I have to wait one day for children (to afford them/marriage to someone - hopefully boyfriend/he'd have to be mentally ready).... Sounds like it's never going to happen!

I'm learning okay. I understand I can't plan everything. I acknowledge that I can't control everything. I know that I must learn to wait my turn for things or they wont be worth what I imagined them to be. But still, I'm 24 years old, and I'm constantly watching girls all over facebook have children who are younger than me. So what, they're dealing with things I don't have to deal with, but at least their lives are full of something. Me, I'm not sure what to look forward to. I can't seem to put all my attention on one thing because most of the time I feel a little worried I've got nothing.

But that's totally not true.

I have a family that's working harder on communication. Sorta. I have a new nephew and niece on the way. I have a boyfriend who is trying to find his career. I have two other roommates who care about me. I have a home and a bed to sleep in. I have a job that helps me keep up with living expenses... I'm not a total loss. I just wish I could find a better job. I want to make more money. I want to be able to go out and do something if I want to. I want to be a busier person. I want to feel respected and I especially want to be at peace with myself knowing what I do is good for others.

I wanted to try and become a food critic, but without money that's not going to work. I wanted to get my book published, but there are so many obstacles in the way that it continues to get pushed off. I'm trying to work on relationships with friends and family members as well as finding fun to keep my moral up that I don't seem to be able to make the time to write. I'm working out more and eating healthier. I'm trying to work whenever I can to catch up on bills. I'm trying to hold my emotions together and be a more supporting girlfriend for the boy I love who has been very stressed. It's definitely unfair for me to get mad at him for an attitude I love. He's just so good at forgetting why life sucks sometimes, I'm almost jealous. It's easier for him to let go of the things that stress us out, and I'm that nagging reminder in his life - and I've just spent too much time being that.

Apart of me believes knows that he loves me. Its hard when you've created damage in a situation without realizing it. It's hard to take credit for something you thought you were actually doing right. The truth is, I had good intentions, I was trying to get everything caught up and rid us of our problems, but I was hurting our relationship in the process. Balancing problems and love can be extremely difficult! I'm learning this the hard way of course - because it wouldn't be a lesson if I didn't choose the most ridiculous path! Hah.

Wish me luck journal. I'm working at this peace thing within myself. I'm going to try and just be myself more often. Forget the bills, the relationships with others, the career, life, EVERYTHING. I need to learn to be me or I'll never accomplish anything. I've got it in me, I know who I am, I just need to stop being afraid to be it.

And I will get over it.

Because we all know that life isn't going to change it for us. It's all up to us. :)